OPENING GAZE

I was drowsy from the anesthesia but intrigue. I wanted to find out if my daughter had only one or two issues that will affect her existence. I saw her pink and warm with the big tumor protruding from her mouth and her slanted eyes. She was not the monster I was fearing, she was cute. I gather enough strength to ask: "Does she has Down Syndrome?" and my brother in law answer: "Yes she has", and I went back to sleep. I was in the operation room wright after the C section, I had to call for an exit strategy because my child got a tumor coming out from her mouth and the doctors where afraid she won't be able to breath correctly.  We found out this in a routine ultrasound in her seventh month of pregnancy. Rolo, my brother in law, being a surgeon was a reassuring person by my side.
I woke up finally but wasn't sure if I had dream or actually asked the dreaded question. Being very optimistic I told my self that if my daughter had an oversized epulis, this tumor developed on the third semester of pregnancy, she was not going to have nothing else. One malfunction is enough, specially in a family that already has a disabled kid. But my dear Palita had both, the epulis and the Down Syndrome.
My biggest surprise was my sorrow. I never thought I was going to suffer so much. The mourning was hard. It took me off guard because, having a sister with Down Syndrome, a loved and cherished sister, easily accepted and from whom I'm very fond of, I never thought it was going to feel so bad. I could only see the Down Syndrome in my baby's face. I tried hard to recognize the family features and identify with her but all what I could see was a malfunction.
It took me three months to wear off all the sadness and the pain enclosed deep in my soul. I went through a series of stages, shame, culprit, detachment, sorrow for my self, fear of the challenge, acknowledge of the heavy demand that two daughters with special needs will inflict in my family and in my own life.
Nowadays I look at my daughters and I asked my self when did the transformation took place. Like a vine growing slowly sticking deep in my soul the love for Palita grew and covered all the initial erosion. I believe that erosion softened my heart and made it easy for the vine to grow.
This strong experience has develop in me empathy to who ever gazes initially to the disable or the different. There is a certain magnetism that attract our attention to what we fill like a challenge. It is ok to look and to feel with the other. It's worst if you choose to be indifferent. Seeing is part of being aware of and the first step to inclusion and integration. The process of acceptance begins with the acknowledgment of the difference and the moving forward towards the founding of all the similarity.